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From the moment we
got the date--over a year ahead of time,
which surprised no one but me--I felt in
way over my head.
Throughout the process it seemed no
matter what question I asked, the answer
I got never fully covered what I wanted
or needed to know. In retrospect, it
would have been hard for anyone to give
me an answer because I couldn't quite
articulate the question. I realize now
that I wanted to know what the essence
of the experience was supposed to be.
Was it a sort of honor to read from the
Torah? Was it an affirmation of
attaining an age? Was it an expression
of a facility with Hebrew and tropes
(the chanting melody for lines in the
Torah)? Above all I wanted to "get" the
point from the inside out--all the
nuances--so I could guide my son through
this life passage.
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By
Gina Hagler
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I started my questioning process the way I
always do--with some research, this time the
handouts provided by the temple. They spelled
out the timeline, but it felt too simple in a
way I couldn't quite express. How did they know
that eight tutoring sessions would be enough for
my son to learn an entire Torah portion with
trope? What if he needed more help? What if two
sessions with the rabbi were not enough for him
to write his speech? Were they assuming my
husband or I knew something about Torah so we
could help? And how was all of this really
supposed to fall into place in just six months?
When my son's name fell through the cracks and
we started the process two months late, my
anxiety level hit the roof.
Finding nothing in the way of the support I felt
we needed, I switched temples--something anyone
with a true understanding of the process would
never think to do! But I wanted to be
sure my son had what he needed in order to be
prepared. I wanted it to be a good experience
for him. And so he dove into learning his Torah
portion and analyzing it for the speech he'd
give. Then there was the Haftorah portion with
comments to accompany it. Prayers to learn. A
suit to buy. Meetings with the Hebrew tutor to
learn the trope. Chanting to a tape so that the
trope became familiar. And meetings with the
midrashima (person who helps interpret the Torah
portion). Somewhere along the way I realized I
was just along for the ride--or more aptly, to
shuttle my son from one meeting to the next!
This was
his Bar Mitzvah. He'd tell me if he
needed help.
I thought at first, as I realized my role was
now one of support rather than guide, that the
Bar Mitzvah year had been about my son learning
he could negotiate something as complex as the
Bar Mitzvah year on his own. That certainly felt
significant enough to satisfy my quest for
"getting" the Bar Mitzvah. But on the actual day
of his Bar Mitzvah, I finally understood that
the nuance of the event was this first glimpse
of the man my son is becoming.
Here's what I wish I'd known:
-
Don't buy the suit until right before the
big day. Boys have some sort of genetically
mandated growth spurt right at that time.
(This growth spurt is nothing compared to
the changes you'll see in your son between
thirteen and fourteen!)
-
It's going to take more than six meetings
with a Hebrew tutor and a CD from the cantor
to get your son to where he's comfortable
reading from the Torah in front of the
congregation.
Call
the parents of the kids with Bar Mitzvahs
the year before your child's and get the
names of tutors they used to supplement the
standard tutoring sessions. Line up some
sessions starting about six weeks before
your son's Bar Mitzvah--just in case.
-
Start attending Friday night and Saturday
morning services the year before the Bar
Mitzvah so you'll all be familiar with the
prayers and order of the service.
-
Ask about the temple policy for non-Jewish
participation in the service. It's likely
they will be welcome on the bimah but cannot
say prayers or blessings that speak for the
congregation. If that's the case, there are
readings in the prayer book that will be
fine for your friends and relatives to read.
If none of them is right, find something
else that you do like and discuss it with
the rabbi.
-
It's customary to provide yarmulkes with
your child's name and Bar Mitzvah date
written inside. Even if you grew up Jewish,
you wouldn't be sure how many to order!
Gina Hagler is a freelance writer living in the
Maryland suburbs with her husband and their
three children. You can see more of her work at www.ginahagler.com.
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